I’m not Fun

‘how to be fun’ is Googled approximately 45 million times per month globally.  Hmmm….maybe I’m not the only one who’s NOT FUN! 
There are fun people and then there are people who are not so fun.  I would really love to be classified as a fun, fun lovin’ person, but I’m pretty sure I don’t make it into that category.  Most of the time, I am serious.  Even my jokes have a deeper meaning to me at least and most people don’t know whether to laugh or to take offense.  Others frequently tell me to “lighten up.”  I feel like I’m already lightened up, and really just want to get things done without too much small talk.  Even though I’m not really fun, I consider myself to be very laid back.  I usually concede to what everyone else thinks is fun and I try to feign excitement, all the while a little miserable when I don’t feel a “connection” to what is taking place.  Often, when I’m trapped in these uncomfortable moments, I smile on the outside while listening to all the sarcastic voices in my head that explain to me what is REALLY going on with all those other people who seem to be faking their way through too.

As a music director at church, I have a very specific idea of how I would like to see things unfold.  I am very critical of myself, and inwardly, of other people.  On the outside, I am very forgiving and know that in order to not scare people away, I have to cushion my comments with grace.  I have a strong desire to be frank, but feel that I’m not afforded that luxury.  At other times I see that there are two sided expectations of me.  I am supposed to be a fun lovin’, sociable, accepting leader who is all inclusive and willing to bring anyone with a willing heart on board.  At others times, I feel like this leadership approach is frowned upon when something that is of subpar quality slips through the cracks, the really huge cracks that open-mindedness creates.

If I were a fun-lovin’ person, I wouldn’t feel the need to strike a balance between fun and frank.  I wouldn’t care.  I would be oblivious to others’ judgment of my leadership style and I’d be sure I was having fun regardless of what others thought.  People would be attracted to ME, not to my strategy.  But as I said, I’m not fun and I’m definitely not fun-lovin’.  On the inside, I don’t want to extend grace to myself or anyone else as they foible their way through.  I want to ask them why they are unprepared?  Why they are not taking their role seriously?  Why they are uninterested in the details that would help them to do a better job. Why they only need a leader who they can conveniently blame for their own lack of interest in excellence.

No, I’m not fun.  I think.  I over-think.  And I re-think.  I analyze.  I doubt.  I am easily put off.  I like intense.  Not intense fun.  I like to laugh, but not at slapstick humor.  I want to have fun, but to me, fun is more possible with only two people or less.  Once, the group becomes larger than four, there are too many personalities to corral, too many fancies to feed, too many feelings to consider.  I would simply fade into the hodge podge of group think, and to me, THAT is extremely boring.

I’m Anna, and I’m not fun.

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