There are two roads we typically take if we haven’t yet learned to accept ourselves and that is the path of victim or victimizer.
I always played the part of victim because I’d been conditioned toward passivity. I was afraid to take ownership of who I was and those who victimized me were afraid to take ownership of who they were.
I let them own me because I couldn’t own myself. They chose to own me, because they couldn’t own who they were. At the root, are two damaged individuals whose intentions are the same – to seek temporary shelter in the identity of another.
Why is it so hard to take ownership of ourselves, to assume full responsibility for our actions and consequences? For me, it’s because I didn’t want to see myself as capable of wrongdoing. I wanted to believe I was a good person with pure intent. That I’d never harm anyone, take advantage of anyone or destroy anyone.
I would do just about anything to hear someone say, “good girl,” but I did not feel good on the inside because I was always afraid of messing up, of doing something outside the lines, in my case, outside the lines of Christianity—something that would ultimately send me to hell.
I attracted those individuals into my life who could fixate on my behavior, controlling me to be the good girl they needed, because they themselves could not turn inward to face the reality of their own tendency toward self-denial.